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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Green Eyes

Proverbs 27:4

New International Version (NIV)
 4 Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming,
   but who can stand before jealousy?

You are probably wondering what 'jealousy' has to do with weight.  So am I, but I can't seem to get away from the thought.  So, I'm exploring it right here with you and hopefully, by the time I finish writing, we'll all have some idea as to what it has to do with weight.

What is 'jealousy'?  Webster defines it as " Jealous - Resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another persons success or advantage itself."

 Not one of those 'feelings' defines how I feel.  or does it?  I always prided myself on not being one of those 'silly women' who can't stand to see another woman succeed or achieve her hearts desire.  I am encouraged by the success of my sisters.  Whatever their 'accomplishment', in my heart I feel pride for them.  I'm glad for them.  In my mind, I know that what God has for me is for me.  So the fact that they have it first or in abundance or even in addition to me only affirms my faith.  

Or does it? Don't put yourself in my shoes if this is not you...but the back of me or deep inside of me...I'm tired.  I'm frustrated with being the 'cheering squad' or the 'bigger person'.  I want to be the one.  But I also know what God is creating with me and for me is a process (that doesn't make it easier - remember, I'm walking through this thought with you, right now, so I may change my own mind at any point.  Please bear with me.)

So what do I do with this 'emotion' God?  How do I keep it from turning me into something or someone that I am not or at least someone that I don't want to be?  Jealous.  That's not who I am. is how I feel.  Wow...I said it.  I FEEL JEALOUS.  O M G!!  I said it again!!!  I FEEL JEALOUS!! lightening bolts?  no...hell fire?  Wait a minute?  I said, I 'feel' jealous.  and its true.  It is how I feel.  Its not who I am.  I am not consumed by it (except when I am trying to ignore my feelings).  Its just how I 'feel'.  Actually, I just realized I said, 'I feel jealous' and not 'I AM jealous'.  Because truthfully, logically, I am not a 'jealous' person.  But where are the 'feelings' coming from?

Seems to me, now that I am allowing myself permission to 'feel jealous' I can actually address the 'why'.  Hmmm...still thinking.  (yeah, K, I know, I'm talking to myself - out loud - in writing -  you got a problem with that?) Anyway, why do I feel jealous?  Do I want what someone else has?  Do I feel displaced by what someone else is doing?  Am I tired of not having what I want?  Probably a little of all of those things.  But what keeps me from falling?  or What will keep me from being consumed by jealousy? (BTW - I feel the tension leaving my shoulders even as I write, so I think I'm on to something).  If I think back (fortunately - way back) I'd probably alienate the person I was jealous of, probably make them my enemy.  Allow them to be the target of my anger, my venom.  But that's not me anymore.  So instead, I still have the anger, the venom but what do I do with it?  I turn it inward.  I allow myself to seethe because I cannot respond the way that I feel I want to.  So in essence I punish myself.  The tension creeps into my back, my stress levels accelerate.  I become short and erratic all AT MYSELF.  

then...I have to Me.

And how do I do that?.....................WITH FOOD! (wow..ok, ok, I'm listening)

So, what am I supposed to do with these feelings, these emotions?  I don't want to give them to God.  I am ashamed of them.  I don't even want to talk any one about them, let alone God.  I am ashamed.  (loooooooonnnnnnnngggggg pause here).  I      AM        ASHAMED.  But I haven't even done anything.  I'm just feeling jealous.  I haven't done anything to anyone.  I haven't said anything to anyone or treated anyone in the wrong way.  I just felt.  So why am I ashamed?  

Because I hurt.  I did HURT someone - me.  

I'm trying so hard not to do or say or be a certain thing that I am allowing myself to do those exact things to 'me'.  I didn't even acknowledge 'me' when I was let down, sad, overlooked, intentionally or unintentionally shorted.  All I did was focus on making sure I didn't hurt anyone else.  I treated 'Me' so badly that 'Me' began to rebel.  'Me' is tired of being overlooked in the care department.  'Me' is going to get some attention one way or the other.  So I try to apologize to 'Me'.  What can I do for 'Me'.  'I' placate 'Me' with food.  But that's not what 'WE' need.  We need acknowledgement. We need to respect ALL 'OUR' FEELINGS.  I don't have to 'act' on them.  But I do have to give myself permission to 'feel' them.  

What does this have to do with weight loss?  You decide.  But I certainly feel much lighter now.