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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Restrained or Delivered?

Restrained vs. Delivered

I've been wondering about the difference between the two.  I have seen so many people say they are 'recovering' this and 'recovering' that and they say that they still struggle with it, myself included.  So I wondered, am I really 'recovered' anything or have I just gotten better at 'retraining' myself.

I think about it as it relates to everything I have challenges with.  So you'll know I'm not secretly talking about you, I'll let you in on my challenges. Ya'll know one of them is food but the other challenge has been cussing...(ooh - not the good Reverend!) YEAH CUSSING! (for my northern readers CURSING/SWEARING - LOL). 

I didn't utter a single cuss word for over 12  years (while my son was from ages 1-12) it wasn't hard.  I just decided I didn't want my son to associate that behavior with me.  But something happened at was probably his wild ass turning 12! - ( of those pesky cusses).  Anyway, somehow, I then decided it was probably ok to let him hear me cuss so he would know I was 'real' (my thoughts words/not his). 

So, I think about this now.  Was I delivered from cussing or had I just exibited some intense form of restraint?  Now that my son is 16, I've found that I have been cussing more freely (not around him, but just whenever the mood suits me).  At first, I was like, ok, this is enough.  Time to curtail it.  But guess what, bloop, out comes a cuss.  WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!  I ask myself. 

Some people would say I should 'surrender it to the Lord'.  Yeah, if it works for you - have at it.  I've tried that.  Others have said give yourself a consequence for it like snap a rubber band or whatever whenever you cuss.  MMHMM...not really into gratuitous pain.  I've also heard tell that one should pray about it.  I prayed about it and as soon as I got up from the prayer, I hit my toe and guess what - BLLOOOPPP.  hmmm...What else could I do?  Distract myself from it.  Yeah, ok, so instead of cussing people out I will cut them down with words they don't understand and accomplish the same task.  Umm...but wouldn't that be wrong too?  Damn?!

I asked God about it.  He hasn't really finished answering me (as you can probably tell, since I'm still cussing) but He has started the conversation.  His question to me was, 'Why do you want to cuss?'  Of course my cursory first response was an emphatic, 'I don't!!' So then He asked me, 'So why ARE you still cussing then?'  That one, I couldn't respond too quickly to.  I'm gonna have to marinate on it.  WHY do I still do something that I don't like (or do I) and that I don't get any enjoyment from (or do I) and that doesn't represent who I am (or does it?)

Dag God! (I couldn't put the d-word that close to His name cuz I was worried about catching a lightening bolt).  But why You gotta be so difficult? Asking all them questions, asking all them questions...

talk soon...hopefully, post deliverance.  Restrained is too much like work. 

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