I haven't written much of anything in a long time but today I was reading one of my notes from 2010. At that time I was looking at a note from 2008. I was angry that I was 215lbs at that time but then when I saw the note (from 2008) I was reminded that I was 241lbs at that time! Now its 2011 and I can't even imagine EVER having been 241lbs at 4'11'' tall. But I was. As much as I am dissapointed at myself for having gained back almost 15lbs I have to remind myself that as of April 2010 I was 185 lbs!!! and that was something to be GRATEFUL FOR! What's more, 'I' did it! No pills, no drugs, no hypnosis, no shakes, real food and real sweat with LOTS OF PRAYER! All of which is in great supply.
So as I regroup (again) I realize that the same way we (God and me) showed the devil back in 2008 that I am more than a conqueror is the same way in 2011 that we (God and me - MORE GOD than me) will show the devil in 2011 that I am MORE THAN A CONQUEROR! I am grateful for the set back (again). I am grateful for everyone of these 15 lbs (that I completely HATE). I am GRATEFUL for the gift of God which is Christ and the knowledge that I am overcome by the words of my testimony!!!
I'm tired of this weight and I'm tired of all the fears and anger that I'm hiding in the folds of each layer of fat. I'm tired of starting over and I'm tired of all the setbacks. I'm tired of sabotaging myself and allowing others to sabotage me. I'm tired of allowing myself to forget who I am and more importantly WHOSE I am!! I'm tired of hiding and I'm tired of worrying. I'm GRATEFUL for all the failed 'yesterday's' and all they taught me and most of all I'm GRATEFUL for TODAY AND EACH AND EVERY TOMORRROW!!
I am also grateful that I am reminded that this is a JOURNEY and what I have learned is that I took the 'goal weight' as a destination thinking that when I got there - I had arrived. That was the biggest mistake. Thinking that the journey was over when I got to that magic number. Maintaining a healthy relationship with food (for me) is as much of a day to day journey as sobriety for an alcholic. Thinking that I had 'arrived' was the beginning of my downfall. Thinking more highly of myself than I ought. Forgetting that when I am 'weak yet am I strong'. Forgetting to surrender EACH AND EVERY DAY to God and asking for His help and guidance on this journey.
I am now fully persuaded that neither life nor death nor cake nor pie nor success nor failure can separate me from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus. Thinking that my failure is my finish is a trick of the adversary and what I sometimes forget is that I am MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!!!
and so are YOU!!!